Dazed Whines and Killer Roses
by Red Witch
Summary: Another day, another series of disasters in outer space. It's all Zim's fault of course.


**There is madness here. Madness has claimed the disclaimer that I don't own any Invader Zim characters. This madness is part of my InvaderZ series as the gang flies around in outer space. For no reason. THIS IS MADNESS!**

**Dazed, Whines And Killer Roses**

"This mess is all your fault Zim! Just look at the place!" Gaz pointed to the disarray around the bridge of the starship they were in. Dead plants were all over the floor. And some dead plants were in Gaz's hair.

"Me? You're the one who screwed up!" Zim snapped. "Zim was just trying to clean up after **your** mess!"

"My mess? This is your mess and you'd better clean it up or else!" Gaz snapped.

"Squeak?" Minimoose squeaked.

"No I'm not blaming you, Minimoose," Gaz sighed.

"How can you understand what he says? All he does is squeak!" Zim asked.

"We have a bond. Not as crazy as your bond with Dib but we have a bond," Gaz explained.

"I'm not so sure about that," Zim huffed.

"You want a knuckle sandwich right in the…?" Gaz made a fist.

"Hey guys what's going on?" Dib walked in with the pig.

"Oh there you are! Finally got out of bed have you?" Zim snapped at Dib.

"I thought it was too quiet around here," Gaz remarked. "Where have you been?"

"Moping in his room, where else?" Zim told her.

"Dib it's been over a week since we left Earth. Don't you think you've spent **enough** time whining about what happened?" Gaz asked.

"Oh I'm sorry Gaz. Is the imperfect, defective **clone** abandoned by his father and _betrayed_ by all mankind bothering you?" Dib asked sarcastically. "This might come as a shock to you Gaz, but when this kind of stuff happens to most people, it takes them a while to get over it."

"Oh please! You don't see me whining about how the Tallest shortchanged me," Zim grumbled. "MY TALLEST! WHY DID YOU BETRAY ME? WAAAAH! MY TALLEST! I HATE YOU MY TALLEST!"

"Not to mention…" Dib began.

"MY TALLEST! YOU BETRAYED ME MY TALLEST!" Zim yelled.

"Yeah as I was saying…" Dib started again.

"MY TALLEST! NO LONGER MY TALLEST! AAAAAHHH!" Zim yelled.

"I rest my case," Dib pointed to Zim.

"MY TALLEST!"

"Maybe you have a point?" Gaz grimaced. She glared at Zim. "Are you **done** now?"

"One more. MY TALLEST!" Zim screamed as he got on his knees. "HOW COULD YOU FORSAKE ME? YOUR LOYAL ZIM? MY TALLEST!"

"You know at least I try to have my breakdowns behind closed doors," Dib gave Gaz a look. "You have to at least give me **that!**"

"I do. And I appreciate the effort," Gaz said.

"MY TALLEST!"

"Which is more than what Zim does!" Gaz snapped.

"What do you mean?" Zim stood up.

"You haven't exactly been the most helpful guide around here," Gaz gave him a look. "In fact this whole day has been your fault!"

"My fault? Refresh my memory, which one of us pushed a button that jettisoned a quarter of our fuel supply?" Zim snapped.

"I thought it was a laser button. This console is not very clearly labeled. Besides what I did can't be any worse than your stupid shortcut through that hyperspace wormhole!" Gaz snarled.

"Hey that shortcut made up for the lost fuel you wasted! And it saved us fifteen days worth of space travel!" Zim snapped.

"Really? Because it felt like it took **fifteen years** off of my life!" Gaz yelled.

"Is that the reason why there's some dead plants with teeth on the floor?" Dib asked. He pointed to several wilted roses with huge mouths and huge teeth in their petals that were all over the place.

"Not exactly…" Zim shrugged.

"Yeah, not exactly. As in it's not exactly **his fault** that we flew through a wormhole contaminated with killer spores from weird space plants," Gaz said sarcastically. "Which it is!"

"Most of them died the second we got back into regular space," Zim said. "They can only survive in the special atmosphere of that wormhole."

"Then how do you explain the ones that got into our ship? They seemed to handle the atmosphere pretty well!" Gaz snarled as she pulled the final leaves out of her hair.

"That was Gir's fault for opening the airlock!" Zim snapped.

"Someone was knocking at the door!" Gir said as he walked in. "Hi Dib!" He waved cheerfully. "Hi Pig! Hi Minimoose!"

"If it wasn't for Minimoose those things would still be trying to eat us!" Gaz snapped. She hit Zim on the head.

"OW!" Both Zim and Dib yelled.

"Gaz! Don't you remember? When you hit Zim, you hit me too! Thanks to that stupid bonding thing!" Dib snapped.

"Oops. I forgot," Gaz smirked. Then she hit Zim again.

"OW!" Dib and Zim yelled.

"I'm going to get a lot of fun out of this," Gaz smirked.

"Glad **someone** is," Zim glared at her.

"How did Minimoose stop the plants?" Dib asked.

"Let's just say we don't need to stop and take him for a walk," Zim told him.

"Ah. That explains the smell," Dib wrinkled his nose.

"Squeak…" Minimoose looked a little embarrassed.

"At least Minimoose was helpful! Which is more than what I can say for you! Where were you doing this whole time?" Gaz snapped.

"Talking to myself in my closet about why I'm better off without Membrane from one thirty to two," Dib said. "Before that I was wondering aloud why my Dad didn't love me from one fifteen to one thirty."

"That's pretty precise," Zim blinked.

"I find I get more done if I schedule my various mental breakdowns," Dib showed Gaz a pad he had in his hand. "I've got about a couple of hours before I go into a crazy fit and then wrestle with my self loathing and loss of individual identity. After that I take a fifteen minute juice break before I sink into a deeper depression and cry myself to sleep. After my nap I'll have plenty of energy to write an angry letter to my Dad and then shout curses at him for at least thirty minutes. Give or take how long my bathroom breaks are. After that I'll be fine until tomorrow. Ten AM."

"O-kay. Let's get down to real business while what's left of Dib's brain is still with us," Gaz said as they all sat down in chairs. "First of all…What are we going to name this ship?"

"Name the ship? It's a spaceship! What's to name?" Zim threw up his hands.

"If we're gonna fly around in the spaceship we should name it," Dib said. "Something cool like…"

"No Star Trek names! Or Star Wars!" Gaz told him.

"Fine. But no video game names or cutesy girly names either," Dib said.

"Those terms seem fair," Gaz said.

"So what do you want to call the ship?" Dib asked.

"I haven't a clue," Gaz said.

"Me neither. Why don't we start with something easier like naming the pig?" Dib pointed to the pig. "I've been thinking of calling him Sir Hamilton."

"Yeah if you want to make him a wimp," Gaz glared at him. "Rupert Von Pigslayer."

"Wait a minute. You're naming a pig after a video game character that **kills **pigs?" Dib gave her a look.

"Vampire pigs. But I see your point," Gaz thought.

"It's Gir's pig anyway. Maybe he should get a vote?" Dib suggested.

"Oh this should be good," Zim snorted.

"Pig doesn't have a name?" Gir blinked.

"No he doesn't. So hurry up and name him already," Zim sighed.

"Pig's name should be…Pigfoot!" Gir chirped.

"Simple. Effective. Easy. Yeah Pigfoot has my vote," Gaz said.

"Squonk!" The Pig snorted in distaste.

"I don't think he likes that name," Dib said as he bent down. "Don't you Sir Hamilton?"

"Squonk!" Pig snapped at Dib.

Gaz raised an eyebrow. "Rupert Von Pigslayer?"

"Squonk!" The Pig stomped his foot.

"Great we have a picky pig," Zim quipped.

"I don't suppose you'd consider Bloaty would you?" Dib asked. The Pig gave him a look. "Just asking. Gaz?"

"That was gonna be my second choice," Gaz admitted.

"What's your name Pig? What's your name?" Gir looked at the Pig.

"Squeeee?" The Pig said.

"Too bad nobody knows how to speak pig," Dib said.

"Actually I've been compiling a mini dictionary of Pig Language," The Computer spoke. "So I can translate what he's saying to some degree."

"Oiiknk Squoink!" The Pig said.

"He said his real name is Reginald Pigerton the Fourth and he'd appreciate it if you didn't shout so loud," The Computer said.

"Oink! Oink! Squeeee!" The Pig said.

"He enjoys Broadway musicals and if you wouldn't mind putting on the soundtrack of Ham-a Lot he would appreciate it greatly," The Computer said.

"You're just making this up aren't you?" Dib glared at the computer.

"Yes," The Computer admitted. "I'm sorry."

"Why did you lie?" Zim asked.

"I didn't want to be left out of the conversation," The Computer said.

"Oh brother…" Gaz groaned.

"I get so lonely. And nobody ever wants to talk to me," The Computer said. "And when they do it's 'Computer look up this' or 'Computer calculate that'. Nobody ever has time for me. I know I'm only a machine with artificial intelligence but I still have feelings you know?"

"Now we have a computer with attention issues…" Gaz winced. "This trip just keeps getting better."

"Hi Piggy! Piggy!" Gir hugged the Pig. The Pig squealed happily.

"Piggy. Okay from now on the Pig's name is Piggy," Gaz said. "Great. We named a pig. What an accomplishment."

"Attention, space station ahead," The Computer said. "And I'm not saying that to get attention this time. Honest."

"Computer's right," Dib noticed the controls. "There's a huge space station ahead."

"Good we can get fuel and other stuff here," Zim said.

"How are we going to do that without any money?" Gaz asked.

"Don't need money here. These are traveler's depots. They're run by some kind of religious order that takes donations and you can get fuel and some food here," Zim waved. "The Irken Empire let them do it because it saved them a bundle on refueling squadrons and patrol ships in the outer reaches of the empire."

"Well that is a very convenient plot device," The Computer said.

"Did the computer say something?" Gaz asked Dib. Dib shrugged.

"Nobody ever listens to me," The Computer moaned.

"If we're going there you two need to be outfitted with universal translator," Zim worked the computer.

"Then how come we could understand aliens before?" Dib asked.

"Universal translator in my house and ship and in all standard Irken equipment," Zim said as he pushed some buttons. "Plus it's standard Invader procedure to download the knowledge of the languages of worlds we invade. Now stand over there. I'm going to transmit a beam of data that will add the knowledge of how to speak the basic seventeen languages of the galaxy into your brains. Luckily for you one of the major ones already sounds a lot like English. Just a few different words."

"Another convenient plot device," The Computer said.

"Shut your non face hole computer!" Zim pushed a button and a huge ray came out.

"This is going to hurt isn't it?" Dib moaned.

"What do you think?" Gaz gave him a look.

"Eh, you get used to it," Zim shrugged. He pressed the button again.

"AGGHGL-GAGGGKL-FRRARGFLEEFFLEEEEEEE!" Dib yelled.

Gaz gritted her teeth in pain. At the end of the procedure her hair stood on end and she looked a bit fried. "Okay…That was…really unpleasant."

"Unpleasant! It was GO-GING HA HEAAA!" Dib sputtered.

"More like KRRREEEEEEE-KIOOOOOEEEEE!" Gaz did.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you," Zim said. "The only side effect of the procedure is that you swear in several different languages for a few minutes. "Don't worry. By the time we dock it'll be all out of your systems!"

"Zim you are a BVFFFFFFFFFFFF!" Dib made a gargling sound.

"Dib you know very well I don't have a mother," Zim rolled his eyes.

"FREEE-GIII GO KIIEEEEE! NAGHA MA HA NAEH!" Gaz snapped.

"Well that was uncalled for," Zim grunted. "And quite unsanitary."

Dib made a burp like sound followed by several more burp like sounds. "Oh get over it! I had to be done and there was no other way to teach you," Zim said. "By the way here are some extra universal translator devices I have lying around. You can stick them in your ear."

"I'll stick your friekkeeeeee Ffroook Blah in your **head **Zim!" Gaz snarled as she tackled him.

"Get him Gaz!" Dib yelled. "Get the FRRRRROOOOO! YEOWWWW! YERRK!" He stiffened and bent over.

"Oh sorry Dib," Gaz turned around. "I really did forget about you and Zim that time."

"No problem…" Dib lay on the ground in a fetal position.

Twenty five minutes and a short trip to the infirmary later…

"Gir, clean out all those dead flowers while we go get refueled," Zim ordered. "Zim commands you!"

"Look let's just get the fuel and not make a big production out of it," Dib suggested. They were on a platform surrounded by hundreds of spaceships.

"Don't you need a gas can or something?" Gaz asked as the trio made their way towards a row of huge vending machines.

"A gas can!" Zim scoffed. "Typical human ignorance. Unlike your primitive aircraft and cars most spaceships do not need liquid fuel. Observe."

Zim went up to one of the vending machines and put some numbers in. A small grey pellet came out. "That's it?" Dib was stunned.

"This one little pill will get us millions of miles through space," Zim said triumphantly. "Better take an extra one just in case." He punched some more buttons and another pill fell out. He put them both in a clear plastic bag. "There. Now we are prepared. Now we are ready for anything!"

Zim turned around and promptly walked into another alien. "Oof!"

"Hey! Watch where you're going!" A familiar blue alien snapped. He was standing next to an even more familiar larger green alien.

"Hey! You ran into me! Watch where you're going!" Zim snapped.

"You!" Oog Ah the larger Planet Jacker shouted as he pointed to Zim.

"Zim! You lousy little creep!" Nik the smaller Planet Jacker yelled.

"Friends of yours?" Gaz asked.

"Never seen them before in my life," Zim blinked.

"Never…A year ago back on Earth!" Nik shouted. "You don't remember **that?** What you did to us?"

"I dunno," Zim blinked.

"Maybe because I hit you so hard your memory is blank?" Oog Ah snarled.

"Could someone please explain to me who you two are and for what particular reason you hate Zim?" Dib blinked. "To be fair there are a lot of reasons to hate Zim."

"HEY!" Zim snapped.

"Oh right. Where are my manners? I'm Nik and this is my buddy Oog Ah. We're Planet Jackers. Or we used to be Planet Jackers before **he** came along!" He pointed to Zim.

"What's a Planet Jacker?" Gaz asked.

"We used to steal planets and throw them into our sun so it would not burn out," Oog Ah explained.

"Oh yeah. **Now** I remember," Zim said. "We had a little disagreement because I had that mission from the Tallest to invade the Earth but…Oh right. About that whole destroying the Earth thing. It turned out to be a huge mistake. You can go back and throw it into your sun now. No hard feelings."

"We couldn't even if we **wanted** to!" Nik snarled. "We're not Planet Jackers anymore!"

"You lost your jobs?" Zim blinked.

"We lost our whole **planet!**" Nik snarled. "You cut the Earth out of the containment unit. That meant our sun didn't have enough fuel to keep burning. By the time we figured it out it was too late!"

"Our sun burned out completely, leaving nothing behind but ashes," Oog Ah snarled. "Our world became cold and lifeless! Our people were forced to flee the planet in order to survive! Now we are homeless! We scour the universe like refugees looking for a new planet to live on! And it is all **your** fault!"

"Even worse! We're out of a job and broke! There ain't exactly a huge market for planet jacking out there! Especially now that the entire Irken Empire has gone belly up!" Nik snapped. "That's another thing **you** wrecked!"

"Really should have thought twice about throwing all those other uninhabited planets we found into our sun," Oog Ah groaned. "Would have made nice homes for our people. Pretty short sighted if you think about it."

"Not to mention we're not welcome anywhere in any inhabited system! You know, with our reputation and all," Nik grumbled. "They see us coming and out come the lasers! It's all we can do to defend ourselves! All we can do is wander from place to place! From star system to star system trying to find a home! But the universe hates us so much for all the planets we've jacked we never will!"

"O-kay…Nice to catch up with you and all…" Zim gulped. He was grabbed by the throat by Oog Ah.

"This time I break you," Oog Ah hissed into Zim's face as he squeezed. "I break you good. So good you **stay** broken!"

"AGGGHHHHKK!" Zim gasped for air.

He wasn't the only one. "AKKKK!" Dib clutched his throat and gasped.

"What's the matter with him?" Nik pointed to Dib.

"Do you know anything about Irken bonding?" Gaz asked.

"Heard of it," Nik said.

"He got bonded to Zim by accident," Gaz pointed to her brother.

"Oh that is just **sick**…" Nik made a face.

"Tell…me…about…it…" Dib gasped.

Zim used the distraction to pull out his blaster and shoot Oog Ah. "AGGGH!" He dropped Zim. "You little…"

"How come you're not…Oh wait…" Zim looked at his blaster. "I have this thing on painful annoyance instead of disintegrate. How stupid of me."

"Just run!" Dib got his wind back and the three of them took off.

"Zim! He is getting away!" Oog Ah snarled.

"Oh no he won't! This is Nik to fleet! Nik to all members of the PJ's!" Nik called on his communicator. "Zim is in the area! Repeat! **Zim** is in the area! Take him down!"

Zim, Dib and Gaz ran to their ship. Right behind them ran a horde of very angry aliens. "Get them! Kill Zim! Death to Zim! Die Zim Die! Hurt Zim bad! Yeah real bad!" The aliens screamed.

"You just make **friends** everywhere you go, don't you Zim?" Gaz asked sarcastically.

"Just shut up and keep **running!**" Zim yelled as they dodged laser blasts.

"Get them! Kill them all! You destroyed our homes!" The aliens screamed. "Make Zim hurt! HURT HIM BAD!"

"Gir! Gir! Start the ship! Start the ship!" Zim screamed.

"Hey Master! Look what I did!" Gir chirped.

"KILL ZIM! KILL ZIM! KILL…AAAAAHHH!" The aliens screamed as they were suddenly attacked by some very large, very alive plants.

"Look out!" Zim yelled as he and the others barely dodged the plants. He ran on his PAK legs into the ship. "RUN FOR IT!"

"How did Gir…?" Dib blinked.

"Don't know. Don't care," Gaz shouted as she dragged Dib into the ship. "Not our problem anymore!"

"Zim! **Zim!**" Oog Ah yelled as he tore apart a giant plant with his bare hands. He saw their ship take off. "Run all you want Zim! I will follow you and tear you to pieces!"

"Uh little help here first!" Nik yelled as he was in the jaws of a plant's teeth. Oog Ah punched out the plant and rescued Nik. "Thanks. Now let's go kill Zim!"

Nik touched his communicator. "Oof Dah! Loo! Muk Muk! You guys take your ships and go after Zim and blow him out of the stars! We'll catch up after we do some gardening!"

"This is the fleet! We are in pursuit! Repeat we are in pursuit!" A fleet of starships formerly used for planet jacking took off after Zim's ship.

"They're firing on us!" Dib yelled as he looked out the window.

"Yes! I can see that **Dib!**" Zim snapped. "Do not worry! Zim is handling it!"

"Now I'm worried!" Gaz groaned. "Hurry up Zim they're gaining!"

"Don't worry. I know a shortcut," Zim punched some buttons. "Not only will this ditch those former Planet Jackers, this will save us at least six months of traveling."

"No! Not another stinking…" Gaz began. Just then Zim put the ship into hyperspace. "AAAAAAAAH!"

She and Dib were slammed back into the wall as the ship took off. "Whoo hooo!" Gir cried out as he fell into Dib. Piggy and Minimoose fell onto Dib as well.

"Okay. We are in hyperspace. And now we are accessing a wormhole that is inside of hyperspace that will take us to another part of regular space. They can't find us now," Zim said.

"Well that was a fun trip," Dib grumbled as he pushed Gir and the animals off of him. "I always _love_ running for my life from angry aliens who want to kill us!"

"Technically it was Zim they want to kill but I see your point," Gaz sighed. "So what's the deal with this part of hyperspace? There aren't any killer plants in this particular wormhole are there?"

"No. Just yodeling ghosts who constantly play polka music," Zim waved.

**"What?"** Gaz's eye twitched.

Suddenly they emerged in what appeared to be a strange green swirling vortex. "Yo-dell-lay-heee-hoooooo!" There was an echo that seemed to reverb throughout the wormhole.

Suddenly some strange ghost aliens materialized with many arms, accordion like music machines and wearing lederhosen. (Of course many of the aliens had more than two feet so it really looked a little strange.) They also had funny green hats with a feather in them.

"Everybody polka! Ya! Ya!" A long necked purple alien with four arms cheered. He used two of his hands to play an accordion like device and danced around. Several ghosts danced around with him.

Dib and Gaz looked at Zim. "What? They're not killer plants!" Zim scoffed.

"If anybody needs me, I'm going into my room," Dib turned around and started to leave the bridge. "I'm behind schedule. I think I'll skip the first part of my breakdown and go straight to crying."

"Yo-del lay-he-he! Lady-o-lady-o looooooooooo!" One ghost danced around and sang in Gaz's ear. Gaz tried to grab him but him being a ghost he remained unharmed.

"Don't worry! They'll only do this for what seems to be several days but it's really only twenty four hours," Zim told Gaz.

"Yodel lay heeeeoooooo!" Gir danced around happily.

"Hey Dib you got any room in that crying session of yours for one more?" Gaz groaned.


End file.
